You Can't Possibly Be Serious?
by Niphuria
Summary: Tarrant has finally gotten even with Thackery for the Button Problem he had suffered at his hands. Or has he?


I don't own Alice in Wonderland or any of its characters. Based on the 2010 Tim Burton film.

Tarrant has finally gotten even with Thackery for the Button Problem he had suffered at his hands. Or has he?

**You Can't Possibly Be Serious!**

Tarrant and Alice were enjoying their Breakfast Tea. Well, Tarrant was, at any rate. Thackery was throwing scones and other items as usual and Mally was trying to get him to stop so she could have at least one sip of tea from her thimble.

Tarrant sipped his tea casually and with the occasional tipping and nodding of his head easily managed to dodge every hurled missile. Alice wasn't faring so well this morning. Generally she was more than adequate at dodging incoming Mad Hare missiles, but this morning several scones struck her face and bosom. Finally she was able to snag one out of the air.

"Finally!" she said, irritated. She was about to pop the delicious-smelling scone lovingly baked by Tarrant this morning into her mouth when Tarrant batted her hand. The scone flew from her grip and to the ground.

"Tarrant!" she scolded, "why did you do that? I'm starving! I haven't had so much as a nibble for the past half an hour and if I don't eat I'm going to be ill!"

"Here you go, sweetling," he replied affectionately and pressed a lemon cookie between her lips. "I don't advise you to have any scones this morning." He caught her irritated glance and smiled disarmingly. "Just trust me, all right?" He pushed the cookie into her mouth a small ways and she obligingly took a bite. "Good girl. Just avoid the scones. I don't think they turned out to be as good as you think. Believe me, they are rather hard inside."

Alice shrugged. She ate her cookie and sipped her tea and began to feel better as her belly gradually filled with actual food.

_**"Yes!" **_Tarrant cried out so loudly that Alice nearly dropped her tea cup.

Everybody went completely silent and still.

"Eh, what's up, 'Atter?" Mally asked while everybody else was still mute with surprise.

"Hmmm? Oh, ah...nothing. I just got the most wonderful inspiration for a new hat!"

Alice smiled indulgently and patted his arm and Mally rolled her eyes.

"Hat!" Thackery yelled but actually threw a tea cup. Alice ducked the missile neatly this time.

Tarrant smiled and was so filled with pride that he felt as if he would burst! It took all his self-control to keep from giggling out loud and raising the suspicions of his fiancee and friends.

Thackery had finally swallowed a scone.

* * *

The following day was a Work Day at the Palace and Alice was pleased that there was not much for her to do; for once. All the current Trade Agreements had been signed and there were no complications in the negotiations. All letters to other villages in the Outlands that had been contacted had been sent with the proposed Trade Arrangements and complete lists of items and crafters available along with the current market prices.

Alice sighed in relief and was about to catch up with her filing when Tarrant burst into her office. He was panting and sweating and Alice leapt to her feet, alarmed.

"Ye gotta hep meh, Alice!" he gasped. "Ah fell sew ba' abou' it nauw! Ah did nae mean te... Ah did nae mean te, ye mus' believe meh!"

"Slow down, Tarrant," Alice said, trying to keep herself from giving in to his fear, which was proving to be contagious. "What did you do? What do you feel so bad about?"

Tarrant paused and gripped the back of her chair. Alice began to rub soothing circles on his back and utter soothing shushing tones into his ear. After several long, uncomfortable moments, Tarrant finally caught his breath and his panic lessened a bit.

"I..." he paused. Yes, his brogue was gone.

"I thought it would be funny, but it isn't, sweetling! I didn't think it through!"

"You never do, dear," Alice said gently, not knowing what he was talking about. But she wasn't surprised, regardless. Tarrant was always doing things that he never thought through. But she knew that this was likely something very bad, so she pressed on.

"Tarrant? What did you do?"

He hung his head and fixed his gaze on his shoes. "Thackery is in the Small Ward with the Doctor," he finally said.

Alice's eyes went wide. "What? What happened to him? Is he all right?" Tarrant looked guilty and a tear slipped down his pale cheek.

"Yes. For now. He...he..."

"Tarrant!"

Tarrant gulped loudly. "He ate a scone yesterday. And it wasn't an ordinary scone."

"Yes, I know. You said they were..." And then she knew. "Tarrant! You put a button in each scone, didn't you? That's why you made them and that's why you didn't want me to eat one! Come to think about it, Mally doesn't like squimberry scones and you didn't have one, either!"

"That would be right, sweetling. I thought that I would finally get even with him for...you know, that Button Problem a couple of months ago."

Alice rolled her eyes and tried to keep her temper under control. Men! And it wasn't as if poor Thackery had put the button in Tarrant's scone on purpose! It had been an accident! And then, last week, Tarrant had attempted to 'even the score' by using Pishalver. Except that Alice had been the unwitting recipient of _that _prank.

"Tarrant," she sighed, "is he all right?"

"Well, yes and no. He's all right, but he...he has a blockage. And the Doctor says he needs to remove the obstruction."

"So? Let him! It will keep Thackery from getting an infection!" Alice replied. "It's really quite simple, Tarrant. He'll be all right."

"No, Alice, it's not just that. Thackery won't let the Doctor touch him!"

"But he has to!" Alice was worried now. "He has to have that thing removed or he'll be in serious trouble!"

"I know," Tarrant said. "But he keeps screaming and thrashing and he won't be touched!"

Alice seized Tarrant's arm. "Let's go, Tarrant, right now!"

* * *

When they entered the Small Ward, Doctor Bumstead, Tarrant's so-called Arch Enemy, was trying, with a strong male assistant, to hold Thackery in place on the cot.

"You have to let me remove that, Thackery! If you don't you'll be in serious trouble, very serious trouble! You'll get an infection and you could die!"

"Die? Die! Thackery can't die! No, no, no!" the poor hare cried out in panic. Then he saw Alice and Tarrant.

"Alice? Will you help Thackery?"

Alice sighed. "You can't possibly be serious!" she exclaimed. "I've already done that once already, thank you, and I don't really want to do it again! Please, Thackery, calm down. I'm here. I'll stroke you if you'll be nice and calm for just a few moments for the Doctor, all right?" She knelt at his side and stroked one of his long ears.

But the hare wouldn't be comforted. Tears slid down his brown face and Alice felt horrible. Very well, if it had to be done...

"Not you!" he cried. "Hatter! It has to be Hatter!"

Alice, Tarrant, and the Doctor all stared at each other.

"I beg your pardon?" Tarrant finally gulped.

Alice slowly began to smirk. _"Good for you, Thackery!" _she thought.

The Doctor tried hard to suppress a grin, himself.

Tarrant rolled his eyes and clenched his fists.

"If he thinks I'm gonna reach into his bum and take out that button..."

Alice stood and glared at Tarrant. "Then you will be more than happy to do it, _**right,**_ **_Tarrant_**?" she said firmly and allowed no room for doubt.

Tarrant swallowed loudly. Alice's eyes began to tinge with red and he quickly nodded.

"Aye," he whispered.

"Oh, very good!" Dr. Bumstead sighed. "Justice, you can relax your grip, I think. Mr. Hightopp, the necessary articles on above the basin. A glove and oil. I suggest you remove your glove, bandages and thimbles. You'll need to slide in gently. And be careful. He has a tiny passage."

Tarrant would have glowered if Alice hadn't been staring at him; unblinking and with those unnerving red-tinged blue eyes of hers. But then he realised that she was right. He had done this and he should be the one to make things right.

"Aye," he said again, meekly.

And he went to the shelf above the basin. He removed his glove and bandages and thimbles and put on the snug glove the Doctor had placed there. He quickly oiled it and knelt behind Thackery, who kept his backside still.

"Ready, Hatter! Go in and get thing out!" he cackled.

Alice tried, but failed, to stifle a giggle. The Doctor couldn't suppress a chuckle. Even Justice, the trainee, sniggered slightly.

Tarrant gritted his teeth and began to carefully insert a finger.

* * *

I hope you enjoyed this small follow-up to "Alice's Unusual Entrance," as much as I enjoyed writing it. I couldn't help but want Thackery to win out in _**the end! **_All comments are welcome.


End file.
